Going on wild tank safari can be an exciting and educational experience for the whole family and if you take heed to the following tips, you just might survive!

1. Do not try to touch the tanks. No matter how cute they are, remember that they are wild animals. As such, they can inflict great damage! Even those tiny wild-huckleberry-bush tanks are dangerous. Even if they don't shoot you, they can still give you rabies.

2. Keep food and oil secure. A tank will just has easily rip into your safari vehicle's gas tank as it will your picnic basket.

We recommend using a Tank-Bag (tm) which is a large bag which can be hoisted high up into a tree and is reinforced with kevlar and other ballistic materials.

3. Take pictures from a distance and DISABLE YOUR FLASH. A tank is wired to see a flash as a muzzle-flash and won't hesitate to blow you up.

4. Watch out for sick tanks. If you see a tank that is listless, slobbering excessively, or moving strangely, stay the @#$% back. Get in your vehicle and GO. Drive fast.

5. Do not feed the tanks. If you feed them, the next people that will come around will be met with begging. Furthermore, tanks have a very small brain and will almost immediately forget how to provide for themselves. DO NOT TAKE PITY ON A STARVING TANK. Even if you can see its ribs.

6. Do not taunt the tanks. Recent studies have shown that we humans as a species are WIRED to taunt animals, as it is a throwback from our own evolution. "A thrill-of-the-hunt sort of thing," says our local tank whisperer, Thug Rigby. "We're wired to be @#$%'s."

Even so, be respectful, much as you want to taunt. You are on their territory, and you should try to think of yourself as a polite visitor who is there for a cup of tea. Be quiet, be respectful.

Tanks can smell disrespect. Just ask Belgium.

7. DO NOT GO NEAR WILD BABY TANKS. Even if they appear to be alone, chances are, they're not. Its mother may be just a few feet away, well dug in, in a well-fortified tactical position with you in its sites.

If you come across a wild baby tank that has been obviously abandoned, do not try to adopt it. (You can tell because it will sound something like a baby penguin looking for its mother and a car alarm. Its plaintiff cries are truly, truly heartbreaking.) It is still a wild tank, not a domestic tank. Nearly everyone who has tried adopting a wild tank has been killed in the process.

8. If you see an injured tank, contact your local wildlife control center. In some cases they will be able to capture it, nurse it back to health, and then release it back into the wild. In other cases, depending on the grievousness of the injury, they will simply dispatch helicopters or call in an air-strike to put it out of its misery. Either way you're in for a show! Take pictures and send them to me!